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|Thursday, August 27th, 2015|
|autumn winter spring
i took from others what i felt that i didnt deserve from you, and i am sorry. i was wrong for that isaac...
Its done, i finally said the things that i needed to say. its time to really close this and move on. i am glad that we are learning to be ok. tonights conversation was a huge step for me, a step towards being a better me, and although i am doing this for myself, its good to know that i am not alone. there is no reason why we cant be there to lift each other up. as much as it hurt to know that you found someone to make you happier than i could... no, happier than i should have made you. i failed myself, i gave up, i let depression get the better of me. but i am now doing what i should have done.
i cant wait to see where life goes from here. i can't say that things are perfect, i cant even say that things are good, but i can say that i am trying, i am aware of my flaws and i am gonna fix them.
tonight was awesome, though it started as a very trivial conversation, but hey, good to know that i should be giving myself due credit. i have spent my life beating myself up over things that only i saw. i am a good kisser, god damn it! bells palsy or not, i am still a great kisser!I digress, so that opened the doors for me to address the real issue. I miss you! its been a struggle to learn not to miss my boyfriend but i managed. The guy that came to be my friend, a true friend, that guy i miss!!! we may not have seen eye to eye, we definitely came from different worlds but i know that you cared, more then anyone before you had. you really did make that most lasting impression on me isaac, you pulled me out of my darkest place. i'd like to think that i helped you find some strength of your own, maybe a little magic? i mean look at you... you're loving someone, and although i don't know much about you guys, it appears to be a pretty fearless love on your part. Way to go, thats soooo amazing and i love that we can talk about it now. Maybe someday i'll even have my own something to talk about?!? stranger things have happened, i am SURE! lol. Here is to new beginnings. I hope that we can truly push passed everything and that we can stay in each others lives. Current Mood: relieved
|Tuesday, August 25th, 2015|
Typical Me, Typical ME, Typical Me
I've been completely fixated with the boy from saturday night... probably the most beutiful guy i have ever seen, everything about him was meticulously planned, not a hair out of place, just a hint of 5 o'clock scruff to let you know that it's there. his style! ugh.... his style, thats the kinda shit that i eat up. its been so long since i've seen such a sharply dressed guy, it was inspiring really. oxfords, tailored chinos, not too high, not too low, just enough ankle. a striped crew neck tee. a camel colored vintage sweater, methodically draped over your shoulder. your ear's stretched and your septum was pierced, so i knew you couldn't be that much of a puff, defintley a little roughness to your egdes... just a little. hair quaffed up with just a slight ducktail, as if you some how new my affinity for old americana. you were like something out of an old 50's queer pulp zine... obviously i woud be drawn to you lol
the whole thing felt like a scene of A Single Man
...you, young and perfect. Me, old and complicated.
We made eyes a few times. had it not been for the fact that i looked a mess and had too much to drink, i probably would have been social. it was probably for the best that i didn't though, it would have all been in vain, i am obviously not in my right mind. Either way, it made my night.
It is so funny because as soon as you walked out onto the patio, Joey immediately made a joke... somehting along the lines of "there's your next trade" Little did he know lol. And had i been myself 4 years ago, i am sure that would've been the case. but such is fate... never the right place at the right time. Until Next time... i will settle for what never was and what might have been.
Chalk it up to Missed Connections
either way, i know how and where to find you should i change my mind Current Mood: nostalgic
|Thursday, August 20th, 2015|
the thing is, here is the thing. This was all fine and dandy when it was my choice. i was wrong to you and i know that now. Don't worry though, the universe is giving me what i deserve.
Its so funny how quickly it all happend. From Strangers to lovers, in what felt like an instant. It didn't take me long to see past it though, it was only a matter of time before i layed it all out, took a long look at it and figured it out(as is my way, a gift and a curse). there is just something about the broken ones, maybe its a superman complex? maybe its a control thing? either way, there we were. all that aside, i really did love you though, perhaps not in the ways that i should have, i defintely should have made it more apparent, but in my very strange way, i gave what i could(i myself was still broken) i just wish i was more aware before you got wrapped up in it all. I have so many regrets about us, but none of which have anything to do with you, i'm the souls source of it all... an endless list of "should haves" and "why didn't i" but whats to be done know? I am trying very very hard to swallow it down and be done with it, i am almost there. i am happy for you though, i know you are doing well, better than before i met you, which may or may not have anything to do with me. I have a history of finding the ones who have given up, showing them a little light and magic, sending them back into the world(some by choice, some not). Out of all the guys that have have come and gone, you're probably the only one that i wonder about. Will i ever see you again? yeah, we still talk from time to time, we are certainly civil for the most part, but will we ever speak face to face again? i mean, dont get me wrong, i know i am not really at a place where i am ready to do that, but still i wonder... if and when?
But enough about that... how about some good news. i am moving soon, one step closer to achieving a semblance of adulthood. its been a really shitty 6 months and i have spent far tooooooo much time wallowing in my sorrows and making poor choices. its time to pick myself back up. theres still some fire in here somewhere, its faint but i know its still there. just gotta keep focused on the prize: home, wheels, finances, Fitness, Health, mental stability, independence, happiness... maybe some sex here and there, and when i have a better understanding of all that, i will decide if i want to share it with someone or not. I am 32 years old now, its time i learn to be truly truly single. Current Mood: tired
|Tuesday, August 11th, 2015|
|My dear old
Its Been years, so you know what that means... i must be on verge of melt down. lol.... but seriously. i dont even remember the last thing that i journaled about but it really isnt important. its not like i am all that concerned with the chronological order in which i've unraveled and this really isn't the social forum it once was. lets be real, livejournal slowly became a place where i kept my feelings and also a place where i would come to pirate music.
i am almost certain that Albert is the only person who will read this, as he only person aside from myself who is embarrassing enough to still have a livejournal.
So get your box of wine ready, albert. Old john is gonna start spilling his guts again Current Mood: still got it
|Saturday, June 9th, 2012|
|Smoke and Mirrors
I'm still here. It's been a shitty week. Everyday is different, some days we are best friends, other days we can't even look each other in the eyes. It's hard because we both want to be there for each other but it's not always possible. I feel bad for being away all the time but I have to be, I have to distance myself right now. I miss my friend but I have to figure myself out first. It just scares me because there is a fine line between take a little space and completely pushing him away, that's what I'm afraid is happening. He just doesn't get it. It's like "hi, you where my life, you took my life away from me, your willing to throw it all away on a chance. And you expect me to just carry on" but how does one continue living without there life?!?! I'm trying, I really am. I am not happy, I am not ok, but I push forward in hopes that maybe I will be ok. I am trying.
The shitty thing is that I'm just not going through this shit with Nolo, I am even more of a mess over Ryan. He doesn't understand, he thinks he's a rebound, he doesnt realize that my feelings were there, always. But was I in a place to acknowledge them? No! And I made a choice, I chose to do what I thought was right for my relationship, and as it would have it, the only thing I helped was Manolo, Manolo and his new life. I should have have walked away from this back then but No, I didn't, I loved Manolo too
Much to give up on him. Now look at me, alone and fucked up.
I just need something, one tiny shred of positive right now, anything, just a bit of good. Something to motivate me to get out of bed. Right now, I am miserable and it sucks.
|Monday, June 4th, 2012|
All my pent up bottled emotions have finally manifested into the cancers! Convinced I have Lymphoma.... No rest for the wicked
|Sunday, June 3rd, 2012|
|Kiss that girl, made me cry
Well it's all boiled over finally. As of 5/29/2012 my life starts over, now to really focus and do what I know needs to be done. I finally stepped up to the plate for myself. I had the opportunity to beg for a second chance and I thought about it long and hard and decided I would NOT be that person ever again. I love him, but I gotta love me more! I'll survive, I'll make it, with time I'll be fine. It's scary. I'm 29 this month and starting over. A whole new life, never John & Manolo again, just Johnny.... No more, no less. Now starts the hard part, I let someone take "me" away from me, I gotta remember who "me" was and I gotta that person again, I gotta be BETTER than that person was, stronger. Dear Livejournal, I've said this before and now I truly mean..... It's just you and me from here on out.
|Monday, May 28th, 2012|
I can't breathe, I'm suffocating under 1000lbs of uncertainty. This might be the end of everything. I'm on the edge of loosing everything. Funny how seeing the ending reminds you how important things are. The trouble is, it's usually too late. I am not giving up yet, I can do this, I can, I've got one more ounce of strength and I'm gonna give in to it. I have to
|Sunday, May 27th, 2012|
I can't I Can't I CAN'T! I'm not as strong as people think. I just can't. I can't. I can't
|Friday, May 25th, 2012|
|A chain of indecisions
Friday, I got paid, my first thought........ Go to San Diego! It seems to be the place I run away to these past few years. Its the most complicated and least complicated thing to do. But I am always happy there, in the moment, just being. Granted, eventually the clock strikes midnight and reality sets in, I have to come back from Never Never Land. Usually more confused/sad/disappointed then when I left but it's weird, even though the consequences always out way my actions, I find it harder and harder to come back. It's not the people that I'm with or the person I'm not with for that matter, but instead, it's the way I feel, that's the addiction. Happy, about myself, about being away, about doing my own thing. What does it all mean?!? I need to sort shit out! Map a plan of action and GO! Focus on my goal(what ever that ends up being) and give 100% of myself. I think that's been my biggest problem over the past 10 years, I've changed so much and given so much of myself to so many different people and things that I've forgotten what I am. It's like I've cut away some many pieces of myself and I give it away to someone in need but now there's nothing left, nothing recognizable. No semblance of myself, but I can get it back, I just need to focus, I've done it before.
|Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012|
|Sounds of the city
Dear Anonymous...... Thanks for the pep talk! It was actually the first thing I saw this morning when I woke up, it really brightened my day! To be honest, I didn't even know any body still read my journal?!? *mind, BLOWN!*
|Monday, May 21st, 2012|
to far beyond to start form the beginning. I've done it again, here i am, almost back at square one..... even back at starbucks!?!? i am in a rut and i need to shake shit loose. I get scared when i start to feel like this because i start to do dumb shit, mostly poor decision making. i am my own worst enemy at this point. so where do i go from here? do i scrap it all at start over? can i even salvage anything at this point? is it even worth it!?!?! i know i am not a happy, with anything really. And what about my boys? what am i to do with them? i am still on the fence about stuff, i have my gut feelings about shit and i am almost never wrong. Do i go with my gut or ride out the storm? i could be wrong? i could short my self out of the experience of a life time.
And then there is Ryan, my Ryan. the closest thing to real that i've known in a long time. a complete stranger, who loves me for me!?!? what? But who could ever love a BEAST!?! we are by no means perfect, nor are we Ideal, but he honestly truly cares for me and misses me. It fucking sucks, i am so far beyond damaged that i cant even fathom the idea of some one not trying to hurt me?!?! fuck! Fuck! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
I just want to wake up tomorrow and it be 1996..... i would make a lot of things right!
|Monday, December 12th, 2011|
|Land to sea and back again and now it's only me, alone alone alone....trying get through to you my d
Long heated night.... But I cant do it any more, I can't let someone walk all over me. I have spent too many years not sticking up for myself. I'm broken, I've been pushed to my limit..... That takes a lot! You say I drive you nuts?! Sorry kid, I thought I could carry us both but I can't, not when I'm not getting any help, NOT even the respect I'm entitled to, I took you in, no questions asked, opened my home, gave you the clothes off my back, fed you, did anything I could to make you happy and I got Nothing in return. Not even the respect I deserve. I don't care what your excuse was, you don't treat people like that, I warned you, told you I had hit my limit. I tried to tell you, explain to you, make you see you didn't have to fight me. I just wanted to help you. But won't be helped, you can't treat me like the human I am. It had to be your way , always. Well guess what, you don't get to make that rule. Not after all that's happened. So this is it, i am broken, I hope your happy..... You've finally turned me into all the other assholes that fucked you over. Maybe one day you'll see that I wasn't out to get you. Maybe one day you'll understand it, know that it wasn't right for you to take so much from me and not feel the need to even try. I thought we'd really be forever. Friends like this don't come along so easy but when they do.... FUCK! We had some good times kid, I'll never forget that. You're still my seaside boy, you're still my Omarsito, I am gonna wonder about you forever just liked promised I would but this is Good bye. I can't help you anymore. I can't wait for you to get it anymore. I am sorry, I am Sorry, I AM SORRY! I know you hate that I say that but I am, I truly am Omar. Love always, your desert dream.
"oh you crawled out of the sea, straight into my arms..."
|Sunday, October 30th, 2011|
|Monday, October 17th, 2011|
|Waving flares in the air
Can't say I'm thrilled about everything lately but I can't pretend that I'm completely innocent.... Now it's just a matter of balancing shit out. I had an anxiety attack last week, the kind I haven't had in years. I felt helpless, it took a lot of strength to deal with my life back then but I learned how to manage it. I had a few "go to" tricks that always helped me calm down. This time it's different, I don't have a best friend to confide in, I don't have the gym, I don't have my group of broken hearted friends, I can't depend on marge, I don't wanna ALWAYS be drunk(just most of the time), the park isn't the same, meaningless sex and random hook ups would only make it worse, and I'm just to weak. I'm tired, I've spent to long carrying the load and I just can't do it alone anymore.
I need to make some tough decisions. Climb out of this hole I've put myself in and let the real me, Out.
|Friday, October 14th, 2011|
"You abuse the ones who love you. You abuse the ones who won't. If you ever had a real heart, I don't think you'd know where to start"
|Sunday, October 9th, 2011|
This was never my intentions....... But I knew it was coming.
|Thursday, June 2nd, 2011|
Its been a while i am feeling nostalgic. Nostalgia for that day in particular, it was perfect, it was magic, it was everything i wanted. We the drive past the ocean, into the hustle and bustle of the city traffic. Sharing Pop tarts, and eating them with the same rituals. talking about boys and Mariah Carey. Being smart asses, we do that so well. you still owe me breakfast and fresh home made coffee by the way!
we took care of business(even on a mission, we have the best time) then the day was ours! We ate, i enjoyed it, you didn't fool me, you were terrified to eat anything on that menu but you're a sport and i thank you. we set out to see the city, we found the hills, the homes, the Chateau. Your face was glowing gold, you danced around the street like your feet were made of air, I thought you were gonna Explode! its good that you didnt, otherwise we never would have made it through the back door and up the elevator nor would we have had the chance to piss on the finest ice cubes this side of the north pole, look through old glass onto courtyards, appreciate the little details while we stole the towels.
then came downtown.... CUP CAKES! not just any cup cakes, STRAWBERRY! as if god himself heard my thoughts on dropped before us! literaly at our feet! We set out, seeking sheltar, a sacred place for us to enjoy our holy gifts, we found crowds and music and people and more food and more people and art and pot heads and red bull and free ice cream but it wasnt worth the wait. Then came the Building... with its once grand hall, now a run down show room. Majestic cracked missmatched crystal chandeliers, baroque detail lost under years of dust and neglect. we took some pictures then went looking for a place to piss. we found mischief in the upper floors and back halls. A random laundromat, and broken leaky toilet to piss in, dark stairwells that led us to a beautiful moment. we found a room, dark and empty, faintly lit by little barley there rope lights tacked to the ceiling. there was music floating in the air, i could make it out at first, but it was perfect. i single perfect moment in time. something out of a dream or a movie. i took out my camera to catch a little bit of the magic, so could have something to remind me forever, of our perfect moment together. Just i had finished, i turned to you, only to find that your were there with your camera, trying to catch me in the moment. Thats when i realized what sond was floating in the air...
"True love will find you in the end
You'll find out just who was your friend
Don’t be sad, I know you will,
But don’t give up until
True love finds you in the end.
This is a promise with a catch
Only if you're looking will it find you
‘Cause true love is searching too
But how can it recognize you
Unless you step out into the light?
Don't be sad, i know you will
But don’t give up until
True love finds you in the end."
God, I could FUCKING DIE! Surreal.... we were living out a scene in a movie about us. it was all very overwhelming, getting lost in that moment then flash, back to reality. I swallowed heart turned my brain back on and in true fashion, i probably made a joke or remark to break the silence but we knew what just happened.
we found the room that the music came from, it was just as dark and mystrious as all the other rooms, a run down space, broken floor board, a make shift counter space serving the purpose of a bar, complete with disposible cups and plastic jugs of bottom shelf booze. red light bulbs here and there flickered about. in the center of the room stood a man and his guitar, poor his heart out to no one.
We soon found ourselves back on the streets. It was time for a well deserved smoke and a snack. I found my glass bottle Mexi-coke, you Found Don Draper and holy fuck was he delicious! we need him again! After a minute or two of people watching and boy oogling, we headed back to the car but only for a minute, the our adventure wasn't done yet, not when we were so close to where it all began. 3 city block later, we arrived. The Golden Gopher... it was just as we left it, a handful of people, good music, and an opulent well stocked bar and classic cocktails. We took a some silly pictures in the photo both, we had a drink, some cigarettes, and got to know each other just as we had almost a year prior. it still amazes me that we did, in less than a year, what took 10 years to do with others...but all good things must come to an end. We found the car and back home we went, divided our things, i thanked you for a truly thoughtful gift(the best kind), hugged our good bye's, and off i went back to the desert.
looking back on the that day and days before.... Dont think that in my silence, i'm troubled or nervous when we are together. It's totally ok, Sometimes i have to remind myself and i get caught up in thought, stuck in my head for a minute. its a process where i think about my heartbeat, the way my heart beats, the way it beats when we are together, how it still beats similar to the way it used to but only slightly different and how i still feel the way i used to, how much i care and how sorry i am for hurting you... so then i tell my brain to tell my heart to cut it OUT! I telling my eyes not to notice the little things like when your face lights up, how you aren't afraid to look me in the eyes anymore but i still catch you sneaking glances at me in the car when you think i am wont notice. telling my ears not to hear the way you say my name, when we are bickering back and forth, "JOOOHNY!" or at night when we wonder the quite street and you say my name so softly, i hear a thousand of your thoughts in just a whisper of my name. It passes, bitter sweet.
I'll always wonder, but i will never regret. i am were i belong. You're an amazing person, a light in the dark, a rare find. it's been in my experience that the people i meet in the most random of situations, become those who have the greatest impact on my life. as if it's predestined that we should know one another, like the cosmos in all their infinite wisdom, placed us in just the right places at the right time, so that we might share with each other, life's lessons ...i would rather have us now, as weird as it can be, than NOT having us at all! lets face it kid, call it fate, coincidence, or even the simple fact that we love The Smiths, it is what it is and it was meant to be and We are will always be this, even when we are living on opposite sides of the world, old and grey. If i never see or hear from you again, i will always have that place to go, thats the one single moment in time to remind me.
|Friday, May 6th, 2011|
|Life is very long when you're lonely
Oh.... We can go for a walk where it's quiet & dry & talk about precious things,
Like love & law & poverty....Oh, Oh these are the things that kill me