to far beyond to start form the beginning. I've done it again, here i am, almost back at square one..... even back at starbucks!?!? i am in a rut and i need to shake shit loose. I get scared when i start to feel like this because i start to do dumb shit, mostly poor decision making. i am my own worst enemy at this point. so where do i go from here? do i scrap it all at start over? can i even salvage anything at this point? is it even worth it!?!?! i know i am not a happy, with anything really. And what about my boys? what am i to do with them? i am still on the fence about stuff, i have my gut feelings about shit and i am almost never wrong. Do i go with my gut or ride out the storm? i could be wrong? i could short my self out of the experience of a life time.
And then there is Ryan, my Ryan. the closest thing to real that i've known in a long time. a complete stranger, who loves me for me!?!? what? But who could ever love a BEAST!?! we are by no means perfect, nor are we Ideal, but he honestly truly cares for me and misses me. It fucking sucks, i am so far beyond damaged that i cant even fathom the idea of some one not trying to hurt me?!?! fuck! Fuck! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
I just want to wake up tomorrow and it be 1996..... i would make a lot of things right!