Johnny (it_cant_be_done) wrote,

Smoke and Mirrors

I'm still here. It's been a shitty week. Everyday is different, some days we are best friends, other days we can't even look each other in the eyes. It's hard because we both want to be there for each other but it's not always possible. I feel bad for being away all the time but I have to be, I have to distance myself right now. I miss my friend but I have to figure myself out first. It just scares me because there is a fine line between take a little space and completely pushing him away, that's what I'm afraid is happening. He just doesn't get it. It's like "hi, you where my life, you took my life away from me, your willing to throw it all away on a chance. And you expect me to just carry on" but how does one continue living without there life?!?! I'm trying, I really am. I am not happy, I am not ok, but I push forward in hopes that maybe I will be ok. I am trying.

The shitty thing is that I'm just not going through this shit with Nolo, I am even more of a mess over Ryan. He doesn't understand, he thinks he's a rebound, he doesnt realize that my feelings were there, always. But was I in a place to acknowledge them? No! And I made a choice, I chose to do what I thought was right for my relationship, and as it would have it, the only thing I helped was Manolo, Manolo and his new life. I should have have walked away from this back then but No, I didn't, I loved Manolo too
Much to give up on him. Now look at me, alone and fucked up.

I just need something, one tiny shred of positive right now, anything, just a bit of good. Something to motivate me to get out of bed. Right now, I am miserable and it sucks.

Tags: via ljapp
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