Johnny (it_cant_be_done) wrote,

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Chances are...

the thing is, here is the thing. This was all fine and dandy when it was my choice. i was wrong to you and i know that now. Don't worry though, the universe is giving me what i deserve.

Its so funny how quickly it all happend. From Strangers to lovers, in what felt like an instant. It didn't take me long to see past it though, it was only a matter of time before i layed it all out, took a long look at it and figured it out(as is my way, a gift and a curse). there is just something about the broken ones, maybe its a superman complex? maybe its a control thing? either way, there we were. all that aside, i really did love you though, perhaps not in the ways that i should have, i defintely should have made it more apparent, but in my very strange way, i gave what i could(i myself was still broken) i just wish i was more aware before you got wrapped up in it all. I have so many regrets about us, but none of which have anything to do with you, i'm the souls source of it all... an endless list of "should haves" and "why didn't i" but whats to be done know? I am trying very very hard to swallow it down and be done with it, i am almost there. i am happy for you though, i know you are doing well, better than before i met you, which may or may not have anything to do with me. I have a history of finding the ones who have given up, showing them a little light and magic, sending them back into the world(some by choice, some not). Out of all the guys that have have come and gone, you're probably the only one that i wonder about. Will i ever see you again? yeah, we still talk from time to time, we are certainly civil for the most part, but will we ever speak face to face again? i mean, dont get me wrong, i know i am not really at a place where i am ready to do that, but still i wonder... if and when?

But enough about that... how about some good news. i am moving soon, one step closer to achieving a semblance of adulthood. its been a really shitty 6 months and i have spent far tooooooo much time wallowing in my sorrows and making poor choices. its time to pick myself back up. theres still some fire in here somewhere, its faint but i know its still there. just gotta keep focused on the prize: home, wheels, finances, Fitness, Health, mental stability, independence, happiness... maybe some sex here and there, and when i have a better understanding of all that, i will decide if i want to share it with someone or not. I am 32 years old now, its time i learn to be truly truly single.
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